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Tag: lessons for wives

  • Lessons for Blokes No. 3: Always read the instructions

    Lessons for Blokes No. 3: Always read the instructions

    children drawing up a manual
    Writing a manual for Dad!

    Never been big on reading instructions. Guess I’ve figured if they print them in type that small then they are probably not worth reading, right?

    Where I’ve discovered a possible exception to that rule – instructions on medicine.

    A couple of weeks back Princess Ella wasn’t feeling well. She was complaining of a sore stomach and we’d determined that was because it was an inordinate amount of time since she’d been to the toilet.  Instructions came that I was to buy some medicine to encourage a trip to the toilet before returning from work.

    As instructed, I returned from work with said medicine and I was smart enough to read the required quantity before administering it.

    Only after delivering the medicine did I read this: “It may take 6-8 hours to take effect’’.

    Now, I’d administered the medicine at 6pm.
    Oh crap. Literally.
    I thought, I’m gonna be up in the middle of the night with Ella when this kicks into gear.

    Sure enough, at 2am the call from Ella comes.  We stagger into the bathroom and she proceeds to explode.  I’m sitting on the floor, she’s sitting on the toilet and I’m saying “Are you finished yet?”.  A feeble “nooooo’’ is the answer I get on repeated occasions.

    Sitting there on the cold, hard floor of the bathroom I then vow ALWAYS to read the instructions.

    Is not reading the instructions a male thing? Do you read the instructions?

     

  • LESSON FOR WIVES No. 6: The importance of communication

    LESSON FOR WIVES No. 6: The importance of communication

    The new caviar – bananas!

    DISCUSSION between myself and Princess Kel during a city stroll this week turned to bananas (you know bananas, the fruit which now has a higher price per gram than crack cocaine). Well, the conversation was around the fact we should buy two – despite the cost – to at least give the newly solid-eating Princess Holly a taste for them and Ella a treat.

    So after quick call to the bank manager to secure the funding for said purchase, the decision was made. Later in the day we call in to a supermarket and I pop in to grab a few essentials, scruffing an extravagant three bananas on the way. People at the checkout look at me like I’m P Diddy.

    On the drive home, Kel remembers a couple of other things she needed and we call by a little supermarket in the neighbourhood. Upon re-entering the car, Kel says “oh, I got bananas’’.

    “Um, so did I,’’ was my response. We look at each other and swear quietly enough not to be heard by the princesses in the back seat.

    “How many did you get?” says I.

    “Two. How many did you get?’’ says Kel.

    “Three’’. Yep, five bananas coming in at a nice little sum of about $16.

    We cut our losses, decide to live on bread and water for the next month and tell a delighted Princess Ella in the back seat she can have her first banana since the floods hit Queensland …. AS LONG as she saves part of it for Holly. Ella, clearly switched on to the new high value on the bendy fruit, proceeds to jump from the car on arrival home saying “see, I saved some for Holly’’ holding up a piece of banana roughly the size of a walnut. Not even a very big walnut.

    Later in the day I posted this status on Facebook: “Bought five bananas today. May not be able to pay the power bill this month.” This is a selection of the responses which followed:

    Coley: I’m working two jobs just to pay for my girlfriends 2-a-day habit.

    Shae: You can buy a pair of Jimmy choo heels for the cost of bananas.

    Testy: I never even gave it a thought and bought 3 the other day from Woolies – got home and realised that they cost me over $8.00 WTF??

    Feel free to vent below. Read more Lessons for Wives.

  • LESSON FOR WIVES No. 5: Big Girls Don’t Cry

    LESSON FOR WIVES No. 5: Big Girls Don’t Cry

    The photo Ella will hate Kel for in years to come.

    I’M PRETTY sure when you are in the process of scolding a three-year-old it is not OK to giggle. Picture the scene: Princess Kel is trying to dish up dinner, I’m cradling a tired and grumpy six-month-old and Princess Ella (the three-year-old) is proceeding to whine at great volume about anything and everything.

    Then, Princess Ella erupts into tears because mum won’t put her on the bench (where her sole intent is to dirty the already clean washing up sitting nearby). Kel proceeds to tell her it’s dangerous to sit on the bench by herself. “But I’m a big girl,’’ comes the reply from Ella.

    It’s on the end of a frustrated lecture that Princess Kel finishes off with the sentence: “big girls don’t cry’’. There’s an awkward moment of silence, followed by muffled laughter from Kel and I as we clearly both image the falsetto voices of Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons launching into the ’60s song of the same name, Big Girls Don’t Cry. If only our lives were a musical.

    It got me thinking about other song titles we might find helpful when disciplining our “little angels’’. Here’s a few suggestions:

    What’s Going On – Marvin Gaye

    Respect – Aretha Franklin

    Walk This Way – Aerosmith and Run DMC

    You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me – Dusty Springfield

    I Fought the Law – Bobby Fuller Four

    Fortunate Son – Creedance Cleawater Revival

    You Can’t Always Get What You Want – Rolling Stones

    Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac

    I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt

    Voodoo Child – Jimi Hendrix

    Any other suggestions?

    Read more Lessons for Wives.

  • Lesson for wives No. 4: Bras are for boobs

    OK, THIS may not be a lesson just for wives. In fact I think the main culprits of this disturbing trend are probably not in steady, long-term relationships, but it is an important lesson to be noted nonetheless. Although one of the recent culprits I witnessed was indeed pushing their pram up the street when I saw them commit this heinous crime.

    “What is the crime?’’ I hear you shout. Well, when did it become OK to use your bra to hold you mobile phone?

    Seriously, I am not joking, in the past week I have seen about 10 women at different times poke their mobile phone into their bra instead of their pocket. It’s a growing phenomenon. I wasn’t even aware Target sold bras with built-in mobile phone holders these days (and if they aren’t, then on the evidence, maybe they should start).

    Ladies, while it may be convenient, it looks downright ordinary and if you think otherwise we blokes might just start sticking our Nokia’s down the front of our Bonds hipsters … um, though I’m not sure I’d then want to stick the phone to my ear without giving it a good wipe down first.

    Now, I can hear you all thinking “well, what are you doing looking when women do this?’’. Well sorry, but frankly it’s hard not too. It’s especially disconcerting when standing, waiting for service at a shop beside a lady when her boobs start ringing to the tune of Lady Gaga’s latest single.

    Please, remember boobs are for bras and mobile phones are best kept in pockets or those expensive things designed for carrying stuff you girls love so much – yep, handbags.

    Read more Lessons for wives.

    Rewinding with And Then There Were Four.

  • FEATURE: I’m heading out today

    FEATURE: I’m heading out today

    You can stay briefly to read his post on yet another lesson for wives, then join me at Seven Cherubs where I’m guest posting today as part of Naomi’s MotherHeart series.
    Naomi is one of my new mummy blogger friends and a great inspiration to me. As the title of her blog suggests, she’s mum to, yes, seven little cherubs. When I have a tough day dealing with two li’l princesses, I draw strength from this incredible woman – who always finds joy in every day.
    Be kind and leave a warm, fuzzy comment. It really does make our day.
    Credit: Dale Cumming Photography

    TODAY I’m leaving you in Julian’s capable hands. I’m going out.

  • Lessons for wives No. 3: Baby brain “does exist”

    By Julian O’Brien

    AN AUSTRALIAN study, widely publicised earlier this year, concluded there was “no such thing as baby brain”. Professor Helen Christensen, from the Australian National University, probably spent hours, days and months researching a report to show that there were no signs of motherhood impeding a woman’s cognitive function. 

    Well Prof. Christensen, I’ve got plenty of aneacdotal evidence compiled over the course of my wife’s two pregnancies and this week I gathered proof that baby brain may well affect women long after the birth.

    You see my wife, Princess Kel, has not worked for some months. A journalist by profession, she went on leave well before the birth of our little one, Princess Holly, last October and has not been near the office since. Yet, after having cause to ring her at home on a Monday afternoon this week, Kel answered our home phone with the words “Good afternoon, editorial, Kellie speaking’’.

    What followed was a couple of stunned seconds of silence from me and then fits of laughter from both of us after we realised what she’d done. No further proof needed. Baby brain exists